Your first time using a strap-on can be intimidating, to say the least! Here are a few tips and tricks to help you out, from one sapphic to another.
Picking a Dildo
IMO, you should pick your first strap-on dildo in person. Go to a sex store--ideally, queer and/or woman-owned--with your partner and get a feel for all the different options--size, shape, squishyness, curvature, vibration, etc!
If going in person feels too daunting, there are a ton of options online. But do your research! Use a reputable site and make sure the material is 100% body-safe. It's also important to measure before you buy. The dildo could be a lot larger or smaller than they appear on your screen. Look for a size guide and compare it to your fingers or a household object.
Also, aesthetics may not feel important but I'd advise you to pick a dildo that you like the look of. It can be more jarring than you think to see a phallic object attached to you or your partner's body for the first time. Pick one that feels appealing and unthreatening. Pick a color you like. Sparkles, tie-dye, neon--the sky's the limit!
Picking a Strap-On Harness
While there are a TON of different harness options in the strap-on universe, let's just explore the 2 main categories you'll be looking for as a beginner: traditional harness and underwear style.
Traditional strap-on-harnesses look just like a harness you'd use for rock-climbing. It typically has three adjustable straps: one around your waist and two that fit around your butt cheeks. It will also most likely have a stabilizing ring that you can adjust to fit the girth of the dildo and keep it in place.
Pros: They are the most adjustable making them the most secure and size-inclusive. You can tighten the straps to fit perfectly to the curves of your body, making it far less likely that the harness will sag down or fall off during use.
Cons: They require more setup. All the loops and straps can be confusing to a beginner, which can take you out of the moment.
An underwear-style strap-on harness is a little different. Basically, it just looks like underwear but with a hole for the dildo to poke through.
Pros: you're ready to go in seconds! Just slip on the harness like a normal pair of undies. They also come in a ton of different styles and patterns: boxers, briefs, thongs, crotchless, etc.
Cons: they usually don't have an adjustable waistband. An elastic waistband may not fit snuggly enough or may stretch out over time. If the waistband is too loose, you'll have trouble keeping the dildo in place.
You'll also want to pay attention to the material and make sure it feels comfy. For example, leather harnesses may look sexy, but sometimes they can feel a bit uncomfortable and stiff, especially to a newbie.
LOTS of Lube
Even if your partner is already wet, adding lube to the toy is crucial. An unlubed toy will feel super uncomfy and stiff in there!
Make sure you're using water-based lube. Silicone lube degrades silicone toys. The drawback to waterbased lube is that it dries up far more quickly than silicone lube, so remember to reapply frequently as you go.
Get a Grip (Literally)
If you haven't had strap-on-sex yet, you'll be using a whole new set of thrusting muscles you may never have exercised before. It's easy to run out of steam the first time around. Try this tip:
Grip your partner's body (hips, thighs, hair if they're ok with it) and pull them against you while pushing into them. This lets you supplement the lower body effort you're using to thrust in and out with upper body arm strength. Holding on to a bed frame or any other available furniture also works in a pinch!
But don't worry. It's normal to need breaks! Don't be embarrassed to tell your partner you need to pause or ask them to be on top while you catch your breath,
Let Them Guide You
Communication is always important, but for beginner strap-on-sex, it is absolutely critical! You don't have the advantage of being able to feel what's going on down there with your dildo. When you finger your partner, you can gain so much valuable insight from sensory cues like clenching and releasing of their vaginal muscles. Can't do that with a strap-on!
So let them guide you! Don't start aggressively thrusting right off the bad. Sometimes, it helps to just put the dildo in and let them orient their body to get you to the right spot. Then, you can add in some motion. Make sure you escalate thrusting speed and intensity very gradually and keep checking in with your partner as you go.
Work Up To It
Dilation is important. If you and your partner are used to fingering as the only form of penetration you incorporate during sex, you may not be prepared to take a whole dildo right off the bat. You'll want to work up to it by gradually increasing the size of the object you insert into your partner's vagina. Start with a finger or two or three. See how they're feeling. Then try the dildo bit by bit until they're sure they can take it and it feels good.
Be Patient
For many sapphics, strap-on sex is not intuitive at all. It's a skill that takes a long time to perfect. Don't be hard on yourself. If the dildo keeps falling out, you can't get the motion right, or you run out of stamina, that's all totally normal. Don't give up. It'll be worth the effort when you get it right.